I have done nothing wrong but to be friendly to people, and I talk to people cause I wanted to know them better and to find friends that can be friendly to me too...
I always listen to people's ideas, people's voices, people's story....then, I will give some of my personal oppinion to comfort them or to make them feel better, or, I will give them some feed back, or what so ever that makes me happy if people will do the same thing to me.
I don't think I have done anything wrong, BUT, why do I always feel that I have hurt someone's feelings, or said something wrong to people, or even I feel like people just don't want me to talk to them??
Why??
Am I invisible? Am I nothing good to life in this world?? Am I not to be heard, seen or be near to? Am I such a nerd and a such a shit that no body can accept my friendlyness and my politeness??even my comfort makes people feel worse then ever??my existance makes the earth move slower while people just wanted to make it move faster??
I am just something that should not exist.
I just want to be friend and have normal friends, to be good to people and if u don want to be good back to me in return, it's really ok. But, at least, respect my existance!! As how I have respect you as a human!
December 30, 2005
December 28, 2005
A no time to lose day
I have got my whole day full of things to do today.
I was woke up by my mom, asking me to go for my yearly medical check up and also get a booster for hepatitis B.
We first went to the Island Medical(I think that's the name of the clinic:p), to get my injection. Mom told me that it won't be any pain, and my dear dear say it is nothing more then an insect bite. But, I still can feel the pain, and the sour sizzling feeling on my arm till now- it's 12 hours since the jab already, k?
p/s: but to those who should get that to protect yourself, just go for it, I don't want to scare you all off the clinic:p
As for the medical check up, I did it in Loh Guan Lye hospital.
When we reached there, there were people all over the front door, and an ambulance with people looking out of the hospital window, and chit-chat about what was happening. However, according to my mom, it must be someone who is very very VIP, because she saw some chief/high rank inspector at the scene.
As for these 2, we have spend the whole morning already.
After lunch at my grandma's, I went to my hair dresser to straigthen my hair and cut it slightly shorter. The outcome is quite acceptable, but, I don't know how long it will last.
I was woke up by my mom, asking me to go for my yearly medical check up and also get a booster for hepatitis B.
We first went to the Island Medical(I think that's the name of the clinic:p), to get my injection. Mom told me that it won't be any pain, and my dear dear say it is nothing more then an insect bite. But, I still can feel the pain, and the sour sizzling feeling on my arm till now- it's 12 hours since the jab already, k?
p/s: but to those who should get that to protect yourself, just go for it, I don't want to scare you all off the clinic:p
As for the medical check up, I did it in Loh Guan Lye hospital.
When we reached there, there were people all over the front door, and an ambulance with people looking out of the hospital window, and chit-chat about what was happening. However, according to my mom, it must be someone who is very very VIP, because she saw some chief/high rank inspector at the scene.
As for these 2, we have spend the whole morning already.
After lunch at my grandma's, I went to my hair dresser to straigthen my hair and cut it slightly shorter. The outcome is quite acceptable, but, I don't know how long it will last.
December 27, 2005
what a day~terror, lazy and enjoyable day
I have forgotten, or I should have say I did not notice anything that I have to do after I have got the acceptance latter from UTAR, except to pay an amout of fees through Public Bank.
I did not register myself by sending the documents and a copy of the acceptance letter back to them. I am so terrified that I might be rejected by them and did not consider me as accepted the course offered. If that's the case, I will be at the middle of no where, not having to get myself into UTAR, also, I did not register any subject for the second semester in UM.
I did not really slept for the whole night, getting all sorts of nonsense dreams, and just can't get really in to a peaceful, restful sleep.
I got up early in the morning, called the administration office, and they said that I can take the documents to them on the orientation week.....what a relief for me!
I have got myself sitting on the couch for 5 hours, watching soap opera VCD, till I've got my back side got numb and my back aches:D. Also, I almost forgot I've got a date with my best friend to go Gurney shopping~luckily I remember the date just in time. If not, I will be scolded till I have a black head.
So, of cause, the enjoyable moment is that I have a wonderful time shopping, talking and "lepak"ing with my friend at Gurney.
I am tired and sleepy now....Good night~
I did not register myself by sending the documents and a copy of the acceptance letter back to them. I am so terrified that I might be rejected by them and did not consider me as accepted the course offered. If that's the case, I will be at the middle of no where, not having to get myself into UTAR, also, I did not register any subject for the second semester in UM.
I did not really slept for the whole night, getting all sorts of nonsense dreams, and just can't get really in to a peaceful, restful sleep.
I got up early in the morning, called the administration office, and they said that I can take the documents to them on the orientation week.....what a relief for me!
I have got myself sitting on the couch for 5 hours, watching soap opera VCD, till I've got my back side got numb and my back aches:D. Also, I almost forgot I've got a date with my best friend to go Gurney shopping~luckily I remember the date just in time. If not, I will be scolded till I have a black head.
So, of cause, the enjoyable moment is that I have a wonderful time shopping, talking and "lepak"ing with my friend at Gurney.
I am tired and sleepy now....Good night~
December 26, 2005
I am not matured enough
Is after form 6 a good time to start a relationship?I mean boy girl relationship.
Nowadays, people starts the boy friend, girl friend thing very early in their life, like 12 to be into 1 and have got into pregnancy trouble at 14? that's consider quite unacceptable in the society now. It's not that parents don't allow their children to have kids so early, it's also about how a person who still don't know and can't look after themselves to take care of a baby?
Anyway, as for me, I have got my 1st love only after form 6. People might have laugh at me that I am such a slow matured person, but, it's ok with me. How could you possibly fall in love, just because your friend have a boy freind and you don't; or it's just that people have got a boy friend and you personally don't have any, you got jealous and grab whatever and whoever, even if the person is not the best you can get/he is not your type.
It's not that way, ok~
Ok, now that I have been in my relationship for a year, I still couldn't get the point and why am I in love....It's just that, I can't get a way from loving my dear dear, but, sometimes, wanted to just end the whole thing, thinking that I will be happier with that...BUT, what for I end a relationship without any solid reason, and if I still love him, and can't just see him do any good to other girls, there is no point, no reason for me to hurt the feeling of both of us.
I still love him truely and deeply when I write this, of cause, just that I have some thought in my mind.
Here's the point.
I love my dear dear, and I know in my concious mind that he loves me truely with his whole heart. It's just that, I sometimes just want to be with him in the sense of like we have a real bond between us- wanted to just hold his hands, to be on the phone talking with him, to go shopping/movie with him, to be together all the time,etc,etc..
BUT, I sure know that this is not the way how a relationship works.
-Even we did not see each other, but we still trust each other
-Even if we can't be together all the time, but have our heart close with each other
-Even we can't talk on the phone all the time, but still knows each other's feelings
The main point, of cause is LOVE, and the second, TRUST, the Third, COMMUNICATION.
However, I am not mature enough to get through this.
I can only feel love when we stay in contact with each other, like always seeing each other, always talk on the phone, wanted to know everything and every feelings of him, also, I just can't live my life without his existance....it's like I will feel depressed, feel down, feel bored, feel not being loved, and be angry with him all the time.
I know, that we are not together now, apart, and can't see each other so often and that's a fact. However, It's not a life and death matter that I will never see him again! Our love is still on the main, right track...
But, why do I miss him so much? Is it that I am too dependent on him? I have too little friends around me?? I am too free, which is, that I have all the time in the world but nothing to do with it?
I don't know...But the only thing I know is that I have to get over the whole scenario, be a tougher girl; be a better girl friend, who will give more freedom to her boy friend(man likes freedom); to have more friends; to be more independent;to be more matured
I hope I can do what I have quoted for myself as a target.
JIA YOU!!!
Nowadays, people starts the boy friend, girl friend thing very early in their life, like 12 to be into 1 and have got into pregnancy trouble at 14? that's consider quite unacceptable in the society now. It's not that parents don't allow their children to have kids so early, it's also about how a person who still don't know and can't look after themselves to take care of a baby?
Anyway, as for me, I have got my 1st love only after form 6. People might have laugh at me that I am such a slow matured person, but, it's ok with me. How could you possibly fall in love, just because your friend have a boy freind and you don't; or it's just that people have got a boy friend and you personally don't have any, you got jealous and grab whatever and whoever, even if the person is not the best you can get/he is not your type.
It's not that way, ok~
Ok, now that I have been in my relationship for a year, I still couldn't get the point and why am I in love....It's just that, I can't get a way from loving my dear dear, but, sometimes, wanted to just end the whole thing, thinking that I will be happier with that...BUT, what for I end a relationship without any solid reason, and if I still love him, and can't just see him do any good to other girls, there is no point, no reason for me to hurt the feeling of both of us.
I still love him truely and deeply when I write this, of cause, just that I have some thought in my mind.
Here's the point.
I love my dear dear, and I know in my concious mind that he loves me truely with his whole heart. It's just that, I sometimes just want to be with him in the sense of like we have a real bond between us- wanted to just hold his hands, to be on the phone talking with him, to go shopping/movie with him, to be together all the time,etc,etc..
BUT, I sure know that this is not the way how a relationship works.
-Even we did not see each other, but we still trust each other
-Even if we can't be together all the time, but have our heart close with each other
-Even we can't talk on the phone all the time, but still knows each other's feelings
The main point, of cause is LOVE, and the second, TRUST, the Third, COMMUNICATION.
However, I am not mature enough to get through this.
I can only feel love when we stay in contact with each other, like always seeing each other, always talk on the phone, wanted to know everything and every feelings of him, also, I just can't live my life without his existance....it's like I will feel depressed, feel down, feel bored, feel not being loved, and be angry with him all the time.
I know, that we are not together now, apart, and can't see each other so often and that's a fact. However, It's not a life and death matter that I will never see him again! Our love is still on the main, right track...
But, why do I miss him so much? Is it that I am too dependent on him? I have too little friends around me?? I am too free, which is, that I have all the time in the world but nothing to do with it?
I don't know...But the only thing I know is that I have to get over the whole scenario, be a tougher girl; be a better girl friend, who will give more freedom to her boy friend(man likes freedom); to have more friends; to be more independent;to be more matured
I hope I can do what I have quoted for myself as a target.
JIA YOU!!!
December 25, 2005
Christmas Party
I have went a christmas party at my dear dear's aunt house.
At 1st, it was boring and a bit stucked in the middle, cause, I don't feel that I should be there. I don't have any friends that can talk to me and all the thing that I can do is to listen to what others is saying, laugh at people's joke and looking at people's actions. I don't quite enjoy the whole thing.
As you see, my voice is quite "unheardable" and people are just talking things which is just joke and me as the only girl then can't just say something which makes me feel like I am, wow, an "open" person, which don't have any value and self respect for myself.
I actually can talk bout anything that I suddenly thought of, but, 1, I am at my bf's house and he is the host; 2, I am a girl which I must protect my self respect; 3, what if I said something wrong which hurt people in a sudden, where I did not notice; 4, what if what I said get my dear dear into trouble?; 5, They are friends of my bf and I am not very closed to them.
ok, so here's the thing.
Then after, 2 girls which came, and which is that I have not spoken to them for years, and they are people from the 1st class of the form, in Union High. I am also from Union high, just that I know them, they know me, we were in the same class for a few years, but god, how can I possibly have anything in the world to speak to people from the 1st class(except my best friend who have been a friend of mine since form 1- Suat Hwa), after I have been hurt and lost face, also, felt treated like a fool, getting all sorts of lie from those people. I don't mean any offends, but, if I can't feel anything friend and truth in words, I just can't communicate.
After that was a person also from Union high, but not from the 1st class(you see, people not from the 1st class have better communication skills-for me, I felt easier to talk to them), Hui Li(hope I don have any spelling error), I can really have her talking in some way to me, even with her bf beside her-weird right? but People just can't make me just open my mouth, talking nonsense, then regret at the end of the day that I should not open my mouth.
Then, a guy from my class came, late as usual, then only, I can have some one to like joke to. We have got a really good small talk. Thanks!
There after, when there is not so much people around where I sat, and most of the people are "leaving", a CLHS people, which is currently studying sport science in UM, was still sitting there, so, as I have something in mind that I know what to talk with him, so, there goes a chat start.
You see, it's not that I don't want to talk to people, or to enjoy the whole party, but I am just not a person who can speak up in from of a lot of people, which I can but no one will listen to what I have just said, or just gave my oppinion, coz I am a person, too normal to be seen and heard.
I love crowd, I like to go parties, where I can see people having fun, enjoying them self. But me, I am just an unknown, unseen, and unheard, invisible person. I am too inwards.
Want me to be outgoing? I can be crazy the whole day talking nonsense, but what did I get in the end?? a regret that I have done something wrong.
Shouldn't I am good to be a great listener, where I don't interupt people's talk, looking at what people is doing, but I am alone. So, what's wrong with that?
I should be talking nonstop, talk freely, making people think that I am such a open girl that any one can get me into their bed? or make people think that I am a wonderful "party" kind of girl that is like so called, street standing girl?
Is that so? I am depressed~
At 1st, it was boring and a bit stucked in the middle, cause, I don't feel that I should be there. I don't have any friends that can talk to me and all the thing that I can do is to listen to what others is saying, laugh at people's joke and looking at people's actions. I don't quite enjoy the whole thing.
As you see, my voice is quite "unheardable" and people are just talking things which is just joke and me as the only girl then can't just say something which makes me feel like I am, wow, an "open" person, which don't have any value and self respect for myself.
I actually can talk bout anything that I suddenly thought of, but, 1, I am at my bf's house and he is the host; 2, I am a girl which I must protect my self respect; 3, what if I said something wrong which hurt people in a sudden, where I did not notice; 4, what if what I said get my dear dear into trouble?; 5, They are friends of my bf and I am not very closed to them.
ok, so here's the thing.
Then after, 2 girls which came, and which is that I have not spoken to them for years, and they are people from the 1st class of the form, in Union High. I am also from Union high, just that I know them, they know me, we were in the same class for a few years, but god, how can I possibly have anything in the world to speak to people from the 1st class(except my best friend who have been a friend of mine since form 1- Suat Hwa), after I have been hurt and lost face, also, felt treated like a fool, getting all sorts of lie from those people. I don't mean any offends, but, if I can't feel anything friend and truth in words, I just can't communicate.
After that was a person also from Union high, but not from the 1st class(you see, people not from the 1st class have better communication skills-for me, I felt easier to talk to them), Hui Li(hope I don have any spelling error), I can really have her talking in some way to me, even with her bf beside her-weird right? but People just can't make me just open my mouth, talking nonsense, then regret at the end of the day that I should not open my mouth.
Then, a guy from my class came, late as usual, then only, I can have some one to like joke to. We have got a really good small talk. Thanks!
There after, when there is not so much people around where I sat, and most of the people are "leaving", a CLHS people, which is currently studying sport science in UM, was still sitting there, so, as I have something in mind that I know what to talk with him, so, there goes a chat start.
You see, it's not that I don't want to talk to people, or to enjoy the whole party, but I am just not a person who can speak up in from of a lot of people, which I can but no one will listen to what I have just said, or just gave my oppinion, coz I am a person, too normal to be seen and heard.
I love crowd, I like to go parties, where I can see people having fun, enjoying them self. But me, I am just an unknown, unseen, and unheard, invisible person. I am too inwards.
Want me to be outgoing? I can be crazy the whole day talking nonsense, but what did I get in the end?? a regret that I have done something wrong.
Shouldn't I am good to be a great listener, where I don't interupt people's talk, looking at what people is doing, but I am alone. So, what's wrong with that?
I should be talking nonstop, talk freely, making people think that I am such a open girl that any one can get me into their bed? or make people think that I am a wonderful "party" kind of girl that is like so called, street standing girl?
Is that so? I am depressed~
December 21, 2005
War Muzium
Went to war muzium to day.
Even I've been there before, but going with friends, with camera, and being not so afraid, the whole trip is quite enjoyable, memorable, interesting and totally worth it.
The things I saw and remembered as for the last trip, hm, i just get to refresh the whole memory again, but as in my mind, there are things that have been added to the muzium since I last went at bout the begining of the year. Also, the road to the place have been "tar"ed, and not just paved with sand and stone.
This makes it looks more like a place to go, as if for I am a tourist, this place will look more like a place to visit, then like last time, the entrance was totally like invisible, and under the welcome board of the entrance was huge rubbish bins.
For this trip, as there are more people(5), I don't quite felt the terror, like ghostly feeling in me, that I got into tunnels, holes, and climb the 36(if not mistaken) vertical steps at the hiding place for the soldiers, which is also bullet prove.
An interesting to visit, as a whole. If someone, anyone ever ask me to go again with him/her, I will have no regret to go there again(but you will have to pay for the entrance for me:p)
Even I've been there before, but going with friends, with camera, and being not so afraid, the whole trip is quite enjoyable, memorable, interesting and totally worth it.
The things I saw and remembered as for the last trip, hm, i just get to refresh the whole memory again, but as in my mind, there are things that have been added to the muzium since I last went at bout the begining of the year. Also, the road to the place have been "tar"ed, and not just paved with sand and stone.
This makes it looks more like a place to go, as if for I am a tourist, this place will look more like a place to visit, then like last time, the entrance was totally like invisible, and under the welcome board of the entrance was huge rubbish bins.
For this trip, as there are more people(5), I don't quite felt the terror, like ghostly feeling in me, that I got into tunnels, holes, and climb the 36(if not mistaken) vertical steps at the hiding place for the soldiers, which is also bullet prove.
An interesting to visit, as a whole. If someone, anyone ever ask me to go again with him/her, I will have no regret to go there again(but you will have to pay for the entrance for me:p)
December 20, 2005
Red box again
Hehe...just read my blog, and I've just went to red box bout at 9Dec. I went again yesterday noon, but it's just because my cousin Yuan said that there's not enough people to book a room. So, my plan was all upside down(but not very, still can cover everything).
At 1st, I planned to go my grand aunt's(ko po) house to eat laksa, it's her specialty that she can have the whole bowl of laksa, delicious till the last mouthfull of it! Yum Yum!
But Yuan called, and therefore, I go to Than Hsiang temple to take back my story books which I borrowed to my friend, Bin Ji. But then, the aunties there remembered me (it's kind of my honour) and asked me to help them in preparing lunch for the Rhinpoche ( sort of a high status Lama). I did some, and I told them that I am sorry I can't help much, cause I have another date.
Then, reached Red Box bout 1245, sang till 1400+, then only my dear dear came(it's really not worth it and I should not be such a kaypo to ..... aih.....it's all over dee....just let it get over me.
But, it's not a bad thing for my dear dear to come, cause after that, we went to watch Zathura. It's amazingly an adventure to space, funny, heart stopping and very enjoyable.
I really did apprieciate what my dear dear have done, even felt tired but still go watch movie with me, even felt pain in his leg, but still do a bit of shopping with me(it's just that I am the one who is like pulling his shirt and like a small kid, :" a while more la~ just a little while~", but hehe...he just keep telling me his leg is pain and keep on talking.
At night, went to grand aunt's house to eat laksa( as I mentioned above), but the thing is that mom does not know that my bro is also going to the same place as I do. She took back rice and vege home for him, and they both say that it's my fault by not telling mom that "we" are going to eat laksa. So, what to do??have to finish the rice also right? so, went home, ate half the amount of the whole thing....*burb*
At 1st, I planned to go my grand aunt's(ko po) house to eat laksa, it's her specialty that she can have the whole bowl of laksa, delicious till the last mouthfull of it! Yum Yum!
But Yuan called, and therefore, I go to Than Hsiang temple to take back my story books which I borrowed to my friend, Bin Ji. But then, the aunties there remembered me (it's kind of my honour) and asked me to help them in preparing lunch for the Rhinpoche ( sort of a high status Lama). I did some, and I told them that I am sorry I can't help much, cause I have another date.
Then, reached Red Box bout 1245, sang till 1400+, then only my dear dear came(it's really not worth it and I should not be such a kaypo to ..... aih.....it's all over dee....just let it get over me.
But, it's not a bad thing for my dear dear to come, cause after that, we went to watch Zathura. It's amazingly an adventure to space, funny, heart stopping and very enjoyable.
I really did apprieciate what my dear dear have done, even felt tired but still go watch movie with me, even felt pain in his leg, but still do a bit of shopping with me(it's just that I am the one who is like pulling his shirt and like a small kid, :" a while more la~ just a little while~", but hehe...he just keep telling me his leg is pain and keep on talking.
At night, went to grand aunt's house to eat laksa( as I mentioned above), but the thing is that mom does not know that my bro is also going to the same place as I do. She took back rice and vege home for him, and they both say that it's my fault by not telling mom that "we" are going to eat laksa. So, what to do??have to finish the rice also right? so, went home, ate half the amount of the whole thing....*burb*
December 16, 2005
Me and my dear dear's 1st aniversary
When was it???It's for me and my dear dear to keep it to ourselves and for you to guess:p
My dear dear gave me a surprise which is a cute cute sand bag dog as a present. I love it very much and wanted to hug it every night when I sleep.
We spend a whole day together, even we did not have a candle light dinner, but I have a wonderful day. It's a memorable 1, but I hope I can remember the day:D
My dear dear gave me a surprise which is a cute cute sand bag dog as a present. I love it very much and wanted to hug it every night when I sleep.
We spend a whole day together, even we did not have a candle light dinner, but I have a wonderful day. It's a memorable 1, but I hope I can remember the day:D
Than Hsiang Temple
I've been there for the second day to help Ms Cheah, my form 6 biology teacher.
I mainly help out in washing dishes, and help out in some cooking( tiny cooking), just felt boring after the second day, cause the situation and the environment is not like the year before, I only know Ben Ji, and the others, even I know their name and they know mine, but something have been missing, that we really can't talk. There's nothing in connection between us.
It's ok for me to help out since I have nothing to do even I stayed at home, also, my dear dear have been very busy lately that he don't really have time for me. I'm quite used to it, but as it's our holiday now, I would want more time together with him, but....things is not within his and mine control. So, what can I do??just let it be and let god be the judge.
I'm not complaining though. It's just that I want a tight bond between me and him, I can't lose him, and I want to be her girl forever if I can (hope that he will want me to, and don't mind to be my guy forever).
I'm afraid that he might lost his focus on me and target to other girls. It's ok if he still know what he is doing, flirting, trying his luck, checking out, looking around, admire other girls, or even to let other girls be good to him. The thing is just don't lose focus, and lose his true self, and forgot what he really wants.
Hm...I hope these words of mine won't make him feel pressured. The main point is I can't lose you and hope you feel the same way too, my dear dear.
I mainly help out in washing dishes, and help out in some cooking( tiny cooking), just felt boring after the second day, cause the situation and the environment is not like the year before, I only know Ben Ji, and the others, even I know their name and they know mine, but something have been missing, that we really can't talk. There's nothing in connection between us.
It's ok for me to help out since I have nothing to do even I stayed at home, also, my dear dear have been very busy lately that he don't really have time for me. I'm quite used to it, but as it's our holiday now, I would want more time together with him, but....things is not within his and mine control. So, what can I do??just let it be and let god be the judge.
I'm not complaining though. It's just that I want a tight bond between me and him, I can't lose him, and I want to be her girl forever if I can (hope that he will want me to, and don't mind to be my guy forever).
I'm afraid that he might lost his focus on me and target to other girls. It's ok if he still know what he is doing, flirting, trying his luck, checking out, looking around, admire other girls, or even to let other girls be good to him. The thing is just don't lose focus, and lose his true self, and forgot what he really wants.
Hm...I hope these words of mine won't make him feel pressured. The main point is I can't lose you and hope you feel the same way too, my dear dear.
December 13, 2005
a day with my 2 cousins
I felt that the 2 cousins of mine are really very very pitiful, can't go anywhere by themselves, every place is too dangerous ( according to their parents) to go to, they are not very independent, also, they don't have their own transport.
That's why, I suggested to them that we can have a lunch of something like that out, and I am taking them to where ever they want to go to have that, so that they can like enjoy themselves for a day, just maybe...
We went for steamboat at Praingin Mall, then just have a walk around, not really have a good window shop also....it's just that I am, hm...like wanted them to have some fun.
At least, I can spend my whole day fully, not only just sitting in front of my comp, right??:p
That's why, I suggested to them that we can have a lunch of something like that out, and I am taking them to where ever they want to go to have that, so that they can like enjoy themselves for a day, just maybe...
We went for steamboat at Praingin Mall, then just have a walk around, not really have a good window shop also....it's just that I am, hm...like wanted them to have some fun.
At least, I can spend my whole day fully, not only just sitting in front of my comp, right??:p
December 12, 2005
Blood test
I went for a blood test today, it's not a full blood test, but just testing for hepatitis, cause my mom have a free check up for hepatitis from Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri.
I don't quite want to go, because I am afraid that it might be painful, also, hm...just don want to go out.
However, mom is going, so, at least I have someone to go with me. Also, I have nothing to do the whole day, so, it's better for me to go do something useful, or have some meaning, rather than sitting in front of the computer the whole day till I am tired of everything online.
It's not really pain or what, but, just feel some kind of like a sour tinggling feeling on my arms. I just don't understand, why is it that I am doing only a test, why do the doctor have to take out a full shringe of blood? hm...is it that the platlet is too little in every single shringe of blood??hm...maybe I might find that answer later in my studies.
I've got all my things get back home from my aunt's house in KL yesterday, and I just got them unpacked just now at bout 7+pm, cause my bro teased me that I do nothing the whole day, other than online and watching tv.
What is he so good about? I don't really know what has he been up to the whole day, but I know he must have done somehing great...
I have my own ways in doing things, just that I need people to push me along the way(and that's one of the reason why I wanted to continue my studies in University). As for him, I might be wrong, but I think he is selfish, and wanted people to follow his way of doing things, and accept his ideas and concept bout things.
Aih....I better look after myself better than thinking for other people and thinking bad about people.
I don't quite want to go, because I am afraid that it might be painful, also, hm...just don want to go out.
However, mom is going, so, at least I have someone to go with me. Also, I have nothing to do the whole day, so, it's better for me to go do something useful, or have some meaning, rather than sitting in front of the computer the whole day till I am tired of everything online.
It's not really pain or what, but, just feel some kind of like a sour tinggling feeling on my arms. I just don't understand, why is it that I am doing only a test, why do the doctor have to take out a full shringe of blood? hm...is it that the platlet is too little in every single shringe of blood??hm...maybe I might find that answer later in my studies.
I've got all my things get back home from my aunt's house in KL yesterday, and I just got them unpacked just now at bout 7+pm, cause my bro teased me that I do nothing the whole day, other than online and watching tv.
What is he so good about? I don't really know what has he been up to the whole day, but I know he must have done somehing great...
I have my own ways in doing things, just that I need people to push me along the way(and that's one of the reason why I wanted to continue my studies in University). As for him, I might be wrong, but I think he is selfish, and wanted people to follow his way of doing things, and accept his ideas and concept bout things.
Aih....I better look after myself better than thinking for other people and thinking bad about people.
December 9, 2005
meeting friends at red box, gurney
Went to red box Gurney today.
Suan Poay organised the whole thing, class mates are not very supportive though, but, quite ok, 8 people, including me were there. Not really meet up, but at least we see each others face, have some jokes and practically singing.
The 8 of us, Sheng Li, Khoon Yean, Hock Hoe, Yee Lin, Lina, Kuan Leang, Suan Poay and me of cause. I don't actually seems to be close to them, but, the whole event is quite enjoyable. Not peak, no new jokes, no close talks....just....normal, neutral.
Then, as it's Hong En's birthday, my dear dear said want to watch a movie with him, and asked me if I wanted to go too. So, it's Harry Potter that I wanted to watch, by the way, so, its better to watch with some one rather than I go to the cinema myself or watch it at home myself right?
It's really a "full" day, not myself sitting at home doing nothing, at least. Real holiday has just began....However, if there's no dear dear by my side, it's never a joyful day.
Suan Poay organised the whole thing, class mates are not very supportive though, but, quite ok, 8 people, including me were there. Not really meet up, but at least we see each others face, have some jokes and practically singing.
The 8 of us, Sheng Li, Khoon Yean, Hock Hoe, Yee Lin, Lina, Kuan Leang, Suan Poay and me of cause. I don't actually seems to be close to them, but, the whole event is quite enjoyable. Not peak, no new jokes, no close talks....just....normal, neutral.
Then, as it's Hong En's birthday, my dear dear said want to watch a movie with him, and asked me if I wanted to go too. So, it's Harry Potter that I wanted to watch, by the way, so, its better to watch with some one rather than I go to the cinema myself or watch it at home myself right?
It's really a "full" day, not myself sitting at home doing nothing, at least. Real holiday has just began....However, if there's no dear dear by my side, it's never a joyful day.
bowling competition
Went to Bj complex yesterday. It's weird to go there, since I never went there shopping alone, except with my parents, even with friends also, it's centuries ago.
It's because of a bowling competition organised by the chung ling ex students' association. I am not joining the competition, just to go watch people play, and see what friends I can find there.
After that, I go shopping alone, have my lunch at Sushi King, then only go home.
The thing is that I can't find the place to pay my parking ticket. So, I walk round and round the complex, searching every corner. Luckily found one at the top floor, near the exit the car park.
It's because of a bowling competition organised by the chung ling ex students' association. I am not joining the competition, just to go watch people play, and see what friends I can find there.
After that, I go shopping alone, have my lunch at Sushi King, then only go home.
The thing is that I can't find the place to pay my parking ticket. So, I walk round and round the complex, searching every corner. Luckily found one at the top floor, near the exit the car park.
December 6, 2005
Hope
People always tell others that feels down or lost of direction to think positively and have hope in their heart.
Ok, here's the thing. In my point of view, if one have hope and think positively, but the hope is just always a hope and never come true, and the positive thinking is just a thought and never a reality? The person will loss everything, even him/herself faster, even to think of more negative things than those people who follow their heart and just let things be the way it is.
I mean, thinking positively is nature of a person, and not a thing that can be learn or to be plant into a person. If it's planted, and inserted into a person who is at first a pessimist, always see things at it's dark side, then, if he/she is asked and forced(by herself or by others) to see things the other way, it's really hard, and things just get upset and the result, worse.
I am not saying that people mustn have hope in life or wish for something who he/she really wants in life, but, hope for the most basic that you know you will get, don't hope and wish for something that you yourself also don't think you will get such things. Yes, when you get something wish is in surprise, you will think that :' wow, I never thought I will get such things"
Ok, now, "you never thought you will get" the thing. So, that's surprise. IF, you hope, wait, wish, expect and look forward for something, and in the end it doesnt turn up, then that's call dissapointed, heartbreaking, lost of hope, down, sad....bla bla bla, and if it turns up, fine, ok....
So, by comparing both the "discription" and "adjective" in both situation, why do one have to think and hope for so many things?
Just Keep Your Brain Free, thinking of something else, of your own life, way in life, direction which you are going to take, make every seconds of your life meaningful, not only filled with hope and expectations.
Live Life With Love!!!
Not only expect someone to love you, or to hope to get love from people, BUT, LOVE YOURSELF!! Love is from your heart, to love not only the people you "have" to love, but the biggest portion of love from your own heart should go to YOURSELF!!
Don't be stupid and an idiot to give the biggest portion to the so called "your love ones", boyfriends, family, best best friends...etc etc. If you do that, you will become a useless who is just a nuisanse,who have a big mouth, small hands and tiny heart.
So, do we still have to have hope??
Ok, here's the thing. In my point of view, if one have hope and think positively, but the hope is just always a hope and never come true, and the positive thinking is just a thought and never a reality? The person will loss everything, even him/herself faster, even to think of more negative things than those people who follow their heart and just let things be the way it is.
I mean, thinking positively is nature of a person, and not a thing that can be learn or to be plant into a person. If it's planted, and inserted into a person who is at first a pessimist, always see things at it's dark side, then, if he/she is asked and forced(by herself or by others) to see things the other way, it's really hard, and things just get upset and the result, worse.
I am not saying that people mustn have hope in life or wish for something who he/she really wants in life, but, hope for the most basic that you know you will get, don't hope and wish for something that you yourself also don't think you will get such things. Yes, when you get something wish is in surprise, you will think that :' wow, I never thought I will get such things"
Ok, now, "you never thought you will get" the thing. So, that's surprise. IF, you hope, wait, wish, expect and look forward for something, and in the end it doesnt turn up, then that's call dissapointed, heartbreaking, lost of hope, down, sad....bla bla bla, and if it turns up, fine, ok....
So, by comparing both the "discription" and "adjective" in both situation, why do one have to think and hope for so many things?
Just Keep Your Brain Free, thinking of something else, of your own life, way in life, direction which you are going to take, make every seconds of your life meaningful, not only filled with hope and expectations.
Live Life With Love!!!
Not only expect someone to love you, or to hope to get love from people, BUT, LOVE YOURSELF!! Love is from your heart, to love not only the people you "have" to love, but the biggest portion of love from your own heart should go to YOURSELF!!
Don't be stupid and an idiot to give the biggest portion to the so called "your love ones", boyfriends, family, best best friends...etc etc. If you do that, you will become a useless who is just a nuisanse,who have a big mouth, small hands and tiny heart.
So, do we still have to have hope??
December 4, 2005
grandpa's funeral
I thought I would cry when I am following the van, carrying the coffin. But, I did not, just felt my nose got watery, and my eyes almost full with tears. However, it just got back to where it comes from...coz, I just don't think I can let them out in front of so many people I know. Also, they know me as a person who don't easily cry.
By the way, it's not good to cry at a funeral. Cause, the dead won't leave peacefully. And I wanted grandpa to leave peacefully...so, I don't want to drop even a single tear at my grandma's house. Not to let grandpa see, and not for others to know how I actually felt.
After the funeral, went back to grandma's house, and grandma said that we, grand children no need to mourn anymore(can't wear bright colours), but children of grandpa have to continue till 49 days (black, white, blue, gray-dark colours).
So, ok...I just have to follow the instuction.
By the way, it's not good to cry at a funeral. Cause, the dead won't leave peacefully. And I wanted grandpa to leave peacefully...so, I don't want to drop even a single tear at my grandma's house. Not to let grandpa see, and not for others to know how I actually felt.
After the funeral, went back to grandma's house, and grandma said that we, grand children no need to mourn anymore(can't wear bright colours), but children of grandpa have to continue till 49 days (black, white, blue, gray-dark colours).
So, ok...I just have to follow the instuction.
December 2, 2005
Grandpa dead:'(
Grandpa past away yesterday morning at 9am. He was sent home but ambulance from the hospital.
When I reached granma's at bout 10 something, I go to look at him. He looks leaving peacefully. Bye grandpa~Love you~
A cousin of mine is still in Sabah that time, and still have a paper yesterday, and he is the "only" grand son that grandpa loves him a lot. He just arrived today morning by flight from KLIA. How sad that grandpa cant see him before leaving~
And other relatives came to pay their respect one by one after getting the grieving news...
For me?? I don't feel any sadness in me. It's maybe cause I have too much mental preparation and know that this day will come soon. Also, I have been crying more than once since I know that grandpa is going to leave us. However, everything is by god's will and all I have to do is just to accept the fact, and just do what I can to help out.
When I reached granma's at bout 10 something, I go to look at him. He looks leaving peacefully. Bye grandpa~Love you~
A cousin of mine is still in Sabah that time, and still have a paper yesterday, and he is the "only" grand son that grandpa loves him a lot. He just arrived today morning by flight from KLIA. How sad that grandpa cant see him before leaving~
And other relatives came to pay their respect one by one after getting the grieving news...
For me?? I don't feel any sadness in me. It's maybe cause I have too much mental preparation and know that this day will come soon. Also, I have been crying more than once since I know that grandpa is going to leave us. However, everything is by god's will and all I have to do is just to accept the fact, and just do what I can to help out.
December 1, 2005
Difference of dad with other people
Since small, I am closer with my dad. I did not want to go into the nursery,just wanted my to be with my dad; every night, went home by mom's car from my nanny's house, but waited for my dad to come back from work; when his car arrived at the door,i felt excited to see him; every sunday is his ironing day, and I will be on the bed, listening to all his stories, and laugh on his every funny movement.... I never know why until now.
This is all because, even though I am still small, very immature, and ask all sorts of questions, he always answer with his heart, giving me all the explainations which I don't really understand, and giving me all the long long examples(till sometimes my mind fly away:P), just to tell me that why things go this way. He never hide anything that cannot be told,which are what "old people" says:"you so small how you know? so kaypo, when you big, you will know".
I know I am very kaypo since I am small, asking all sorts of questions and thinking that I know everything. But dad just answer all my questions without hiding the truth, and sometimes tell me what he have experienced in his office, what problems did his client faced, and how he solve the problem(just that they where just the main point of what he want me to learn from, not the whole thing!they are confidential!). From there, I learn how to see things differently, and not just directly to the point.
At sundays when he does the carpentry, the cooking, cleaning the house, I am always where he were. He will do things while telling me stories and when he found out his mistakes on doing the thing, or he some how found the key way to do the whole thing he is doing, he will not tell me, but to ask me : you know why I do it this way? what if I do it this way? Then, only he tell me the answer and why.
Everytime, when it's movie time, or when he tell me stories, at the end of it, he will ask:'what is the moral of the story?' I sometimes may dowsed off that I don't know how to answer-sorry dad. But then, he will make me learn some values from the whole thing he just told me.
All this makes him different from other people.
Other people, even my other family members-i mean extended family member and also the close ones, like mom and my bro.
Mom never answer my questions. It's that she don't know the answer, or she don't know how to give me the answer without using english words that I from a chinese primary and secondary won't understand even she explain. Or, she will ask me to go ask dad. Even sometimes, I can find that what she is saying is not really what she meant me to do, so, I have to think properly before taking my step.
My bro is always a baby. He always talks nonsense which people think they don't have sense but they actually do. I know, and but sometimes it's just irritating.
For extended family members, I don't have to elaborate one by one.
They just tell you things that you may not agree, but you can't tell them you don't and HAVE to do them. You can't argue, cause it's disrespect. You can't cry for your distress, as you will not safe your pride with that. You can't stand up with your point of view, as they are your "elderly" and the "eat salt more then you eat rice", every phrase they say is right and never wrong.
As a conclusion, I have learn to be a better person, a more understanding person all because of my dad who tell me all the truth bout life. And I have learn to "tapis" people's words with care, and learn how to choose words and say a phrase in a "rounded" way, so as to not hurt the person's feelings.
I love every1 in my family...But, tell me the truth! I am not afraid of getting hurt, I just want to know the truth! why? because I am kaypo? NO!! it's because I am part of YOUR family!
JUST DON MAKE ME USE DIFFERENT VISION TO SEE YOU!!
This is all because, even though I am still small, very immature, and ask all sorts of questions, he always answer with his heart, giving me all the explainations which I don't really understand, and giving me all the long long examples(till sometimes my mind fly away:P), just to tell me that why things go this way. He never hide anything that cannot be told,which are what "old people" says:"you so small how you know? so kaypo, when you big, you will know".
I know I am very kaypo since I am small, asking all sorts of questions and thinking that I know everything. But dad just answer all my questions without hiding the truth, and sometimes tell me what he have experienced in his office, what problems did his client faced, and how he solve the problem(just that they where just the main point of what he want me to learn from, not the whole thing!they are confidential!). From there, I learn how to see things differently, and not just directly to the point.
At sundays when he does the carpentry, the cooking, cleaning the house, I am always where he were. He will do things while telling me stories and when he found out his mistakes on doing the thing, or he some how found the key way to do the whole thing he is doing, he will not tell me, but to ask me : you know why I do it this way? what if I do it this way? Then, only he tell me the answer and why.
Everytime, when it's movie time, or when he tell me stories, at the end of it, he will ask:'what is the moral of the story?' I sometimes may dowsed off that I don't know how to answer-sorry dad. But then, he will make me learn some values from the whole thing he just told me.
All this makes him different from other people.
Other people, even my other family members-i mean extended family member and also the close ones, like mom and my bro.
Mom never answer my questions. It's that she don't know the answer, or she don't know how to give me the answer without using english words that I from a chinese primary and secondary won't understand even she explain. Or, she will ask me to go ask dad. Even sometimes, I can find that what she is saying is not really what she meant me to do, so, I have to think properly before taking my step.
My bro is always a baby. He always talks nonsense which people think they don't have sense but they actually do. I know, and but sometimes it's just irritating.
For extended family members, I don't have to elaborate one by one.
They just tell you things that you may not agree, but you can't tell them you don't and HAVE to do them. You can't argue, cause it's disrespect. You can't cry for your distress, as you will not safe your pride with that. You can't stand up with your point of view, as they are your "elderly" and the "eat salt more then you eat rice", every phrase they say is right and never wrong.
As a conclusion, I have learn to be a better person, a more understanding person all because of my dad who tell me all the truth bout life. And I have learn to "tapis" people's words with care, and learn how to choose words and say a phrase in a "rounded" way, so as to not hurt the person's feelings.
I love every1 in my family...But, tell me the truth! I am not afraid of getting hurt, I just want to know the truth! why? because I am kaypo? NO!! it's because I am part of YOUR family!
JUST DON MAKE ME USE DIFFERENT VISION TO SEE YOU!!
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