Christmas Party

I have went a christmas party at my dear dear's aunt house.
At 1st, it was boring and a bit stucked in the middle, cause, I don't feel that I should be there. I don't have any friends that can talk to me and all the thing that I can do is to listen to what others is saying, laugh at people's joke and looking at people's actions. I don't quite enjoy the whole thing.
As you see, my voice is quite "unheardable" and people are just talking things which is just joke and me as the only girl then can't just say something which makes me feel like I am, wow, an "open" person, which don't have any value and self respect for myself.
I actually can talk bout anything that I suddenly thought of, but, 1, I am at my bf's house and he is the host; 2, I am a girl which I must protect my self respect; 3, what if I said something wrong which hurt people in a sudden, where I did not notice; 4, what if what I said get my dear dear into trouble?; 5, They are friends of my bf and I am not very closed to them.

ok, so here's the thing.
Then after, 2 girls which came, and which is that I have not spoken to them for years, and they are people from the 1st class of the form, in Union High. I am also from Union high, just that I know them, they know me, we were in the same class for a few years, but god, how can I possibly have anything in the world to speak to people from the 1st class(except my best friend who have been a friend of mine since form 1- Suat Hwa), after I have been hurt and lost face, also, felt treated like a fool, getting all sorts of lie from those people. I don't mean any offends, but, if I can't feel anything friend and truth in words, I just can't communicate.

After that was a person also from Union high, but not from the 1st class(you see, people not from the 1st class have better communication skills-for me, I felt easier to talk to them), Hui Li(hope I don have any spelling error), I can really have her talking in some way to me, even with her bf beside her-weird right? but People just can't make me just open my mouth, talking nonsense, then regret at the end of the day that I should not open my mouth.
Then, a guy from my class came, late as usual, then only, I can have some one to like joke to. We have got a really good small talk. Thanks!

There after, when there is not so much people around where I sat, and most of the people are "leaving", a CLHS people, which is currently studying sport science in UM, was still sitting there, so, as I have something in mind that I know what to talk with him, so, there goes a chat start.

You see, it's not that I don't want to talk to people, or to enjoy the whole party, but I am just not a person who can speak up in from of a lot of people, which I can but no one will listen to what I have just said, or just gave my oppinion, coz I am a person, too normal to be seen and heard.

I love crowd, I like to go parties, where I can see people having fun, enjoying them self. But me, I am just an unknown, unseen, and unheard, invisible person. I am too inwards.

Want me to be outgoing? I can be crazy the whole day talking nonsense, but what did I get in the end?? a regret that I have done something wrong.

Shouldn't I am good to be a great listener, where I don't interupt people's talk, looking at what people is doing, but I am alone. So, what's wrong with that?
I should be talking nonstop, talk freely, making people think that I am such a open girl that any one can get me into their bed? or make people think that I am a wonderful "party" kind of girl that is like so called, street standing girl?

Is that so? I am depressed~