害怕

不知从何时开始~
或是我天生就这么害怕~
我害怕的点？很奇怪！

害怕: 钱~
害怕口袋里忽然多了一笔钱
就算是每天辛苦工作转来的钱
老板分钱时,我还是会感觉拿到那钱很奇怪
但是，我知道钱重要~没钱不能活
但，就是很奇妙的感到害怕 =.='''

害怕: 美~
总觉得美是有就有,没有就随他
害怕那天是自己美了,然后又忽然成不美了
就很奇妙的害怕 =.='''

害怕： 爱~
总觉得爱很难控制
害怕不知何时被遗忘，被冷漠
害怕不知何时被捧上天，就因为会被踩在脚下
就很奇妙的害怕被爱，也很怕给与爱 =.='''

害怕： 期待~
总觉得做人就不能太期待
太期待会让人失去更多更多
害怕期待后受到的那可怕的伤害
就很奇妙的不对仍和事情不抱有期待~ 就因为害怕 =.='''

害怕： 宁静~
总觉得宁静很恐怖
宁静很没有安全感
害怕宁静里的尴尬，害怕宁静里的不安， 更害怕宁静里的胡思乱想~
就这样莫名的害怕宁静 =.='''

就这样~
害怕~
因为我不想失去
所以害怕~
事事小心~ 事事害怕~

子欲养，而亲不在

虽然，我双亲仍很健康~活泼，可爱~有时却很气人~
但~我忽然有种莫名的害怕与担心~

害怕~
害怕那种如果~
想象他们如果不在我身边的那时~
想象如果我需要面对的时候~
想象如果那天来了~我该怎么办~

担心~
担心我没有尽到我该尽的能力~
担心我错过了可以付出的时刻~
担心美好的时刻过得太快~

可笑的是~
我除了害怕与担心那名言的发生，我什么都没能做~
尽我的努力与付出，却害怕我失去我所有的能耐~

记得爸所过一句话~
爸：知道为何我每每做啥都被骂，被嫌弃，但，我还是继续削苹果给你妈吃~做东做西给你们吗？
我：为啥？
爸：简单~就因为一个字 -- 爱！
我：。。。
爸：因为有爱，所以做啥都是一种幸福~不是辛苦，也不是累赘~

我爱你们~
但~我有我爱你们的方式~
我爱你们！！爸~妈~ 还有那最顽皮的哥~

家

“家”
一个对我来说很重要很重要的字~

对外人~
我可以以不理不睬
或是~一点都不放在心上
但~一扯上家我就会一路追到底

痛彻心扉~
是我不久前才深深体会到的感觉
就是一种比与男/女朋友分手还要痛的感觉

怎么说呢？
就是~ 一种让你又气又恨，又疼又爱，又同时担心与失望~
喉咙里卡着一颗不上又不下的一团热热得球状物~
一种想哭~但，有哭笑不得的感觉~
一种觉得他人很不会想，但又觉得自己是啥东西的感觉~
一种~连听你最爱的音乐，做你最爱的东西都在痛的感觉~

嗯。。。。当怒与哀交际。。。
当烦恼加上不安。。。
当泪水加上一团气与不甘。。。

明明~
一切的一切真的与我一点关系都没有
但~
就因为一个字：“家”
而打乱了我人生的步伐~

我只能告诉我自己~
这是上天给与我一连串的考验~

勇敢地面对~
不逃避~
挨过了，一切的一切都是我的！！

。。。

今夜特别宁静~
是因为大家都醒了？
还是因为大家都还在冷静思考？
还是~大家都在压抑？
还是~大家只是不要再开始吵闹？

希望一切的一切~
大家都会长大多一些~

=.='''

无所谓

高兴的~我无牵无挂~
高兴的~我什么都没有~
高兴的~我无所谓~我真的什么都无所谓~

小孩成长的过程经过一连串的教育
所谓的教育，不一定需要考到第一名~
所谓的教育，是要建立一个人的人格，创造一个“人”~
这就是所谓的 input!

从教育之中~
很重要的一点就是：Socialisation
Socialisation 的意义在于：教导人与人沟通的规则
这规则就像。。。有红绿灯。。。
让人知道红灯时停，绿灯时走~
教导人会看什么是人生路程的红灯~什么时候是绿灯~
虽然红绿两者很简单~但， 有人就是想偏掉。。。
我把它比喻成闯红灯。。。
闯红灯~很有快感~很舒服~
但，它致命！或让你死不去（这才恐怖！！）

社会~
它有它的Rules and regulation~
但~不要忘记~
附加的条件还有Terms and Conditions apply~

人~就是有欲望~
比如：我要的东西很多~
但，我不能任性的说要就要~
我不能不则手段去要~ 也不能逃避~
想办法去得到，从 terms and condition 下手~
律师所谓的： law也是会有漏洞的~

人生~就是这样~
它是一个考验~
它是一个相似Survivor的游戏~

To Live or To Die~

我真的真的无所谓~
因为~我要大家都快乐！！

科学洗脑篇

话说~前天晚上：
---
祺：我觉得~你的整个set和我朋友的整个set不一样~ 他要得和你能给的得不一样& vice versa
华:你为什么要把事情搞得那么复杂? 你读太多书了啦~ 世界上不是每个事情都像科学的程式, 还有set还有这，那的~
---

所谓的科学，就是教导我们生活的方式~我们生活的每一点，每一滴都是科学的创立品！！
在我的生活方式里~analysis/analytical mind 就是出于科学的程式~
So~~我有一亿五万个为什么 ^.^ 任何事/物，我都会问：为什么？？

Example of 我的为什么：
- 为什么人要找另一半？到最后，又这样辛苦，又为了什么？？
- 为什么人总是说一套做一套？举例：常说要活在当下，但，却忧虑那看不到的明天/晚年？？明天还会醒来都还不知道，为什么要忧虑这么多？
- 为什么人人要成为unique的~ 但，就是要放弃自己的固执与坚持，变成他人所希望看到的？
- 为什么人要去八事不关己的事情？
- 为什么一个人就相等孤独？她那一个人就可以与世界联系，要那么多麻烦来做啥？
- 为什么别人就活得好好的~你要为他洗脑？你有何着数？ 分享？屁！
为什么？为什么？为什么？

我就是个怪人！你拿我怎样？
说我太过于固执，导致别人不是说不过我，而是不想再跟我讲？so? 就是因为道不同，所以不相谋！
说我觉得自己很聪明？ 嗯~去问问认识我的人,我除了讲笑假厚脸皮时说我聪明外，其他，我都再而三的强调我是super idiot!

所以？结论？
我是科学怪人！
WATEVER!

压抑

可能~
我已经习惯压抑自己
压抑已经是种习惯
习惯到。。。我有时忘记我要的是什么。。。

压抑自己
自己所要的都不重要
重要的是
每个人都快乐
身边的人都可以被满足~

其实，我快乐吗？？
嗯~现在有点模糊~
有时，觉得世界上该有的我都拥有
不该有的，我也有了~
那~我还要有何要求呢？

是爱吗？
还是~那只是家人和朋友给我的压力？？
要爱有错吗？
没有要爱也有错吗？

混乱了~
我到底要的是什么呢？
我在压抑吗？
神啊~请给我一个可以与我分担的人！！

龟论

人与人的沟通真得很复杂！
硬碰硬，结果会是两败俱伤，再嫁祸于他人~
强遇弱，结果会是弱者被伤的很严重~
当某一方作出改善，将心比心，为他人着想，他/她就会被另一方欺负~

龟论之沟通篇：
你不动则，我不动
你要害我，我缩进壳里
你偏要弄我，我偏冷静
万物之变~我以不变应万变~
冷静，冷静，再冷静~
忍，忍，再忍~
我已最冷静的心理，应最苛刻的万物~
表现最自然的自己~

龟仙万岁！！

初生之犊

Qi: Sometimes, I felt bad after I talk a lot~ especially after telling ppl the anger and unsatisfactory in me, or after a long talk about someone I have stories about.....
Pipi: If u have a blog, there is nothing to fear of to tell somebody anything.

Sometimes, I just feel....not right~ felt bad bout talking too much~ afraid that I might hurt someone, or make someone angry, and that's the only thing I am super afraid of. These few days, it seems like, I am mentally a bit stressed out, and even when I am asleep, I have all things and plans working in my brain~ so, its kind of mentally very tired, and if this is when I will say something that haven't went thru my brain, and then, I will feel bad about it =.='''

So~ the best thing is that I keep my mouth shut, and its really not ok if ppl wanted to get me start talking, coz....something bad might happen to u, or, to me~ Its like~ I haven't been having nice talk with my parents since last wednesday, and~ tonight, I have been talking non-stop since almost 10pm to almost 12 midnight =.=''' But, this kind of situation is still controllable, coz they are my parents and that they know me super well enough that I can't really say something wrong that will make them angry with me, or anything that hurt them. On the other hand, since I have been working since like 2 weeks ago, so~ I am quite afraid that I might say something wrong to my colleague, made them angry, or beh syok with me~ I am really Sorry~. Maybe~ as I have been telling myself over and over again, to keep my mouth shut! Unfortunately, its really very hard, but I should start applying the "Keep my mouth Shut" theory=.='''

Ok~ wat is the初生之犊about??
犊can be literally translated as a calf, a young cow
初生之犊means a newly born calf~
That describes me very well, becoz I am born in the year of cow/bull, in which, I am very cow/bull, as I always describe myself, coz, a bull will only move a little if some one whipped them once. So, a bull have to be continuously whipped, so that they can get work done.
I am a calf, which have no fear of what-so-ever. Whatever comes to me is "Ok", "No problem" and I will try my very best to get things done in a very cow/bull"ish" way. The only problem in me that I need to improve is my temper, my mouth, my stubborn"est" and learn how to coorperate and live in group.

Quite a lot for me to learn~
Hope that with my attitude of "No Fear", I can overcome obstacles in front of me.

自私

昨天，某朋友call我~
聊着。。。聊着。。。
他问我说什么时候有空去喝茶，或出来走走
我说，不得空~
就算有，我也会留下来做我自己的事~
其余的，再看我要不要拿出来给朋友~
再看是什么样的朋友。
他说：做人不可以这样自私的~
以前，我只有一张厕纸，
我朋友要用，我也先给他。
我说：那是你的事~
我总觉得，
做人就得先想自己
在把别人放进来~

嗯~我承认！
我自私！！
但，如果我自私的很快乐~
我自私的不伤人，不害人
我自私的把我觉得是我氛围的事做好
那，我觉得自私是件很好的事！！
这样的自私，
对我的健康，我的人生有很大的帮助，
那~何乐不为？

我自私~
但，我很快乐！
吹咩！！！哼！！BLEK!!

忍

有个友人告诉我，她忍无可忍了~
嗯~ 我就说~
既然回头了选择已下了，
就只有忍！

我人生唯一一段感情~
就是这样~
忍了又忍，让了又让~
就这样，
换回来的是：分手！

说起来~
这样的结局到目前为止，我觉得。。。。
可能过太久了吧~
我对感情事有点麻木了~
对于我所付出的，不是没有回报
因为~感情是互相的。

所以~
我就送了我那朋友一个字：忍！
要不，我的想法就是：
人，为什么要这么犯贱？皮痒？
活得好好的~
没事要找事来烦？？

结论？
还是：忍！
要不？
就是让自己麻木，事不关己~
不能活？
我还不是好好的~高兴快乐的？^.^

空

色既是空，空既是色。

万物从无中生有，从万物生空~

空，是一个做人的最高境界~
空，是个必修课
要达到空, 就需<无你, 无他, 无是非>~

虽然, 我对事事都事不关己
但, 活在这万物都很重要的世上很难~
因为, 思想上静
但, 心是血肉合成
很难静下来~
当思想与心不能合二为一
构成<乱>, <烦>

要坚持??? 要配合???

Good Enough

Sometimes~ one might think/feel that he/she is good enough to do something, and that they are able to handle something to its very best. However, nothing on earth is that easy as in words. Lessons have to be learned and applied, but it all depends on how fast things are absorbed and analyzed. I am quite a slow learner, where I don't actually absorb things when they 1st came to me, but over a period of time, I will get the whole picture, understand, learn and never forget.

In this fast pace world, no matter how fast one learn something, one will never be fast pace enough to be good enough. Information flow is faster than the speed lightning, millions of new information is send across the globe millions of times every single minute, and no one will ever be good enough.

My solution for my case?
To be beaten, evaluate, work out, then becoming stronger.

Erm....wat will I do now?
Hanging on the net, play, eat and sleep! =.='''
After all, I am the one that is desperately in need of something, but earth still work on its own path no matter I exist or not.

Nitez!!

Rainie day

I've been missing like ages ago~ Just drop by for some typing exercise^.^

It's been raining since the dawn of Monday till evening of Tuesday~ Erm....raining is not a big deal, but I am quite scared and worried about flood. Now~the thermometer shows temperature of 24 degrees, which is almost the normal temperature of Cameron Highlands^.^ Loving that, but...I am still sweating =.='''

Another thing is: Sometimes, some little thing just provoke me, make me want to smack u in the face, but~ wat I did is to use words that I meant to make u know that, it's just not the right way to start off a conversation, or it's not a right way to converse with ppl. However~ maybe I don't actually say things directly, coz: firstly, I am not any1 to tell u that, coz that's ur own attitude; and secondly, it might be just me and myself, who just don't like the way things go.

So~ the conclusion??
WATEVER!!!!

Sounds like Dad

Suddenly~ after the phone call with my younger cousin sis, I feel I sounded like my dad.

Erm....how should I put it.....well....its kind of~ when u are thinking more, or considering more than ppl younger than u, and u feel like its your responsibility to analyse thing for them, but at the same time, they have to put that analysis into real consideration.

And~ now, I can catch a little bit of how my dad feels and wat is going in his brain when he is trying to convey something to me, while at the same time, I am making fun of the whole conversation. It feels like....I am talking serious now, and wat I say is for your own good~ y can't you think for yourself and analyse things in a rational way, and some more I am the one having increasing blood pressure and analysis piled up in my brain~ while, u are making fun of wat I am saying =.='''

Sorry dad~ but I am really big enough now that I can settle things of my own myself. When situations are in the safe side, I will do things by my own independently; and if things are a bit serious, I will go to my bro for help, and if things are really serious, then only I will seek your opinion. But, of coz, I will consider things well enough, that I won't consult u only when it's between live and death.

Ok~ back to the topic....well~ I already did wat I could~ and I have carried out my responsibility with the best effort I can.

Aih.....it's really hard to be some sort of parents or guardian~

天真

有时候 我还蛮天真 蛮容易骗的

就好比 心情低落时
不管谁人是否真心的问候我 我都会超开心的
然后 当心情平复下来 新血来潮 打开电脑按一按
原来 只是~ 一场游戏一场梦^.^
不过~还算OK~
至少 还可以骗到我这天真的白痴
让我高兴一下 没有继续陷在不好的心情里
谢啦！

嗯~
还有就是~
有时 朋友或谁人跟我讲些有的没的
我都会相信
然后过了大概一个礼拜 才恍然大悟 --> 被骗了啦！笨蛋！！

就是这样~
我有点白痴 慢两三拍 神经病。。。
嗯~ 可有听过：
天才与疯子 只是一线只差？？
是的~ 我就是那疯子！！
哈哈哈哈哈哈~~~~

Accusation

I think I am quite an easy-going, no problem, "anything", "whatever" kind of person~ but~ when it comes to accusation, question or suspect wat I have been doing or wat I say, that is when the fire in me flame and the blood in my veins boil.

I am that kind that if I say something, I will surely do it~ if I leave some doubt between me and the things I can achieve, this means I will try my best~ and if there are words I play around with when I answer your question, means I make it the easiest way for you to understand wat I am trying to send across by not directly hit the bulls-eye. In short, I do and say only things I have serious grasp and control, and all that come from me are with serious consideration with a full length of plan and effort in them.

The thing is I am not that kind that say A and do B or C~ or that kind that promise you to get things done, but ended up I send you an "737"~ the only condition is --> remember to note my word, coz every word counts, either I am playing with words, having doubt in the accent or between words, or I am making a direct hit (a statement).

So~ with that, I would like to end with --> I hate being question or being suspicious over wat I said and done, or being accused!! Another thing is~ I am very particular in words, sentence or accent of any conversation, including SMS. Every little thing counts.

p/s: trying to relief those few incidents in one blog~ *Phew*~

放弃

有时候，觉得社会有太多的诱惑，让我觉得，“放弃" 是最好的出路~

放弃，是舍弃原本的我~
放弃，是拥抱最简单的人生~
放弃，是迷失自己~
放弃，是追求人生的另一段路的开始。。。

我渐渐离开原本的梦，
渐渐拥抱最简单的人生，
慢慢的迷失自己~
开创着另一个人生的目标。。。

借口成了我的伴侣~
堕落成了我的人生~
放弃成了我人生的路途~

我还生存着~
但，我还活着吗？

Suicide

Sometimes~u just feels like killing urself, and end everything or make everything happened unseen, unheard, and un"remembered".
Sometimes~u just feel that u are such an idiot, which cannot reach either end of the line in life.
Sometimes~u just feel so tired that u wanted to sleep forever, and never wake up ever again.
Sometimes~u just feel there is nothing more left on earth that makes u feel living is great.
Sometimes~u just feel life is so hard~ where u can't be too much of urself, and u can't be too pretending, even standing neutral is a fault.

Everything happen~ and they carry good reason behind them to happen right in front of our eyes. Its just how u interpret the meaning of things that happen. As said in sociology, the things that happen itself is not bias, giving one good thing and another the bad. Its just the person that interprets the situation/event that make things complicated.

How am I now?
Not really good in some sense~got a huge bucket of ice water dump onto my head right to my toes. See grey, black and white on everything I see now.

The good thing is I am still conscious, and still have my analytical mind intact....

I AM WHO I AM!!!

腻

本人，算是一个很容易对某事或物觉得腻的念旧之人。。。

怎么说呢。。。
就是~有些事，不能出现在我的眼前太多次，因为。。。 就是：闷，腻。。。
有些梗，不能玩太多次，因为，很没点~ 简称：老梗！
有些话，不能出现太多次， 因为， 玩多了就显得：无聊， 很假！

就是。。。。。
反正，就是那些我心情好，又无聊时， 我会陪你玩一下下，然后随便打发你走； 心情不好，还有东西在脑子里时，我会突然爆发，炸得你体无完肤，管你去死！

拜托~不要整天丢老梗！
我受不了啦！！！！

p/s: 锵锵~~误会就要在此诞生了~~ 嗯。。。*无言* 就。。。有点对某事。物。有点腻~就酱~~